“Where was this rule that I must be like you?” – a poem

I have not blogged in a while, and did not manage to finish the A-Z blog challenge. i was a bit upset I could not manage to finish it as I did enjoy doing it, but my mental health was just getting worse and worse and blogging was just too difficult to do. Everything is still really difficult currently, however, I am having lots of ideas for blog posts floating around my head, but finding it difficult to form them into actual posts. Things are taking longer to write than they usually would. However, I had some sudden poetry inspiration today and wrote the following poem and wanted to share it. I think I am also going to use this blog to share my poems too, as well as writing blog posts, often my poetry is like a blog post, just in a different format.

This poem is about bullying, it talks of emotional and physical bullying and uses the T word. It also has some bits about self harm and suicide.

 

Where was this rule that I must be like you?

He, she, it.

You couldn’t decide.

So I was all three

Or none at all

 

Tranny came next.

You insisted I was one,

You told me a tranny was a freak,

Just like me you said.

 

You whispered as I walked past

“What is it? A girl, no way it’s a boy”

Except you never decided on boy or girl,

Freak and weirdo were what you deemed me.

 

Even those I called friend had a name for me

Goy

This weird combination of a boy and a girl

That’s what they told me

 
Then peodphile,

Rapist,

Pervert

Were added to your collection.

 
Every day for years and years,

So I started to believe the words,

Am I really that evil,

Will I turn out to be those things I asked myself daily.

 
Freak and weirdo,

That’s what I was to you,

Everyday you shouted all these words at me,

In fact every minute of everyday.

 
Why so weird I would think to myself,

You laughed at my love for classical music

Called me freak for not having heard of your favourite pop artist

I never laughed when you hadn’t heard of classical composers.

 
Everything about me was wrong to you

It wasn’t how I was supposed to be.

But how was I supposed to be I would think to myself,

Where was this rule that I must be like you?

 
Twice you tried to kill me,

I’m not even joking.

Cold blade of a saw against my neck.

A firework and lighter in my face “we’ll blow you up you yelled”

 

You spat at me,

Punched me,

Tripped me

And kicked me.

 
You stole my belongings

And laughed so hard when I got upset.

Then called me names,

When I wouldn’t dare let you borrow my things.

 
You told me I should die

That everyone would be better with me dead.

I started to believe you,

Then I believed you so much I had to take action.

 
I stole a few pills at a time

Collected them up

Then one night I took them all, wanting to die

I was 17.

 
When I woke up the next morning,

I was angry as hell

Because I couldn’t deal with facing you

I couldn’t do it anymore.

 
There was one way I had managed to survive so far,

My skin flowed with red ink

A knife was my pen

Cutting open my skin was the only way to survive.

 
At 18 I physically left you behind

Yet mentally you’re always with me.

Belittering me all the time

I wonder if you even remember me?

 
My scarred mind and body certainly remember you all

You told me I should be dead so many times

And tried to kill me twice,

I’ve tried to kill me so many times more.

 
I’m still convinced I’ll be evil

That evil person you said I was

I’m reminded of it all the time

Your words are in my mind everyday and I wonder,

 
Will I ever be free?

 
Oliver W

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